ok haha, too lazy to update.
i feeling damn stressed.
next month.
3weeks to be exact.
can't play my pieces well at all.
hello, i can't even complete half.
and 3 weeks, pls la.
i never even memorise my scales uh.
when i'm actually working like a cow.
maybe it's because my bro is doing so much better.
hello, he topped class for 4 subjects.
i never even pass middle line.
i din know whether to be happy or pissed.
but i'm pissed that he's always doing better.
doing all i can not to sleep(and i never sleep)in class.
maybe i'm just this standard.
i really feel like crying liao la..
i feel damn stupid now.
why my brother do so well i cannot.
i can't even do my piano well.
can someone meet me aft school.
i have alot of 心事 to 谈.
i feel very demoralised.
of concerts.
i'm stupiding.
sometimes i don feel motivated to study.
man, 讲到很想哭...
expressing the emptiness inside me..
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
it's been a long time. =D
and i've been thinking.
thinking things the right way. =)
==
When i was younger,
i always asked myself.
why did i come into this world.
what was my purpose?
who chose me?
and after thinking.
i have my answer.
it may not be the most perfect answer in the whole world.
but i think it's the most perfect answer for me.
and the answer is..
ME.
i chose myself to come to this world.
i worked hard to come to this world(in a weird way -.-)
and my purpose is to live well.
to do my best and to be the brightest star.
everytime we cry we feel sad.
and perhaps it would be this sadness,
that pulls us into a dark hole,
or pushes us further towards our goal.
how did we choose to live?
how did we work hard to come?
easy
----this is going to sound weird----
as the sperm in our father's, ehem.
learning bio now mah.
out of many sperms around the egg.
we fought our way through.
we may not have thoughts.
but we fought our way into the egg.
this is way,
we chose to live,
and god respected our decision.
we chose, then he chose.
we chose to live,
he chose our fates in life.
according to how hard we try, work.
that is why,
we work hard in life to not let our unknown efforts go to waste.
that is why we strive.
that is why we sometimes we get unusual motivations.
so that we can fulfill our unknown desires.
it's all for ourselves.
----
i admit though,
i've been feeling abit pissed easily these days.
maybe because i feel tired,
wake up so early mahs.
then,
4 and 5 for LA.
chinese remedial.
so i got seriously pissed at my language situation,
because i nv seem to be able to concentrate fully during them.
LA is boring,
too boring for me.
it's not that i don't want to listen or pay attention.
i'm not used to sitting down for so long.
even after 14 years YES.
did i mention,
most people have one spot on their heads,
and i have 2 spots.
it purely means i'm stubborn, cheeky, naughty much more active ya.
and i've seriously been thinking,
LANGUAGE,
will pull my grades down like shit.
so i aim:
A1 - Maths, History, Science,
B3 - LA, HCL, Geog.
___________
total: 3.3 GPA
aim high ya.
but impossible.
(since i'm so stupid)and i realised i've insulted or offended,
or demoralised ppl, because i'm too straightforward.
and i swear i'll try my best to change this part of me.
sooo, sorry ppl:
sohwanyih - called you short =p (i realised i neh insult much of my clique heh)
cheryl, novia - whatever i did to make u say i'm too straightforward.
-.- ms choo - for attituding you aft i got pissed at mdm CHOO<-- note similarity LOL
nicole - for always calling you blackie. (i swear i will stop that)
k fine, i know alot more.
so maybe i'm too tired to think of anymore.
so to the ppl up there,
my sincere apologies,
forgive my past remarks and stuff.
and yea,
try not to backstab me ya.
i'll change T_T
kay,
and i think i'm veh bad to ms choo since she started teaching us.
i've been bullying her on the fact that she's quite new.
T_T ain't i badbadbad.
i swear i will (try)pay my fullest attention in class,
and pass up all my bloody assignments on time. =)
and get my homwork book as soon as possible -.-
and treat u better.
(and pray u treat us like 14 yrs olds)
and i don wan teacher-student stuff.
i wan frenfren stuff.
so i try my best not to treat u like teacher(with respect)
and u must not treat me like student(with authority still)
-----
and thus i realise i have alot of things to do with myself.
CHANGE.
for the sake of myself.
but i'm still fuming at chinese remedial.
its useless, thats why.
haiz,
anyway.
at least the top part is reasonable right PEOPLE?!
expressing the emptiness inside me..
Monday, June 22, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
i hate you for making me feel pain.
i hate you for making me disappointed,
in you and myself.
i hate you for once caring bout me.
i still need to thank you,
for once giving me hope,
for once giving me faith in myself.
maybe it's my problem,
maybe it's yours.
you'll never guess who i'm talking about.
not steven quek.
not anymore.
i've gotten over that bastard.
失去，却曾经拥有。
拥有，却会失去。
不如失去，
痛，少了一些。
-------------
---------
--------
you would keep feeling happiness,
but one day you'd lose it.
then you'll feel more depressed.
if you don't know happiness,
you won't get to lose it,
you won't have to go through pain.
you just have to be what you are,
unhappy.
---------
i keep thinking this way.
i'm feeling very stressed nowadays.
i lose my temper easily,
i lose my concentration within seconds.
i don't have the mood to do things i'm supposed to do.
what about my working hard and everything,
good results, good impressions on teachers.
i don't know.
i've just lost my faith in myself.
i don't know why.
i losing everything i once treasured.
not saying people.
just, somethings i don't know how i can describe.
the worst thing is.
i've lost my passion in running.
imagine running for nearly 5 years,
then you feel like there's no point in all these.
falling, tripping, injuries.
what do i gain in the end.
i know, friends.
but i could have made these friends in school too right?
why in running.
whats the bloody freakin' point.
--
sometimes you want a friend to be there for you,
to accompany you,
to know what you need,
notsympathy, notpity, justabeingacompanianto just, be with you.
sometime you wan to be for a friend,
they don't need you,
they don't want you.
they tell you that you don't know what they need.
this is the complicating part of friendship,
never perfect.
how do you expect someone to trust a friend.
even if you're my best friend,
let me tell you.
you're a great friend,
i don't hate or despise you.
i still have faith in you,
i just don't have the courage to trust you.
-------
i saw some bad scars,
they bring me back to bad times.
they make me think,
why life has to be filled with obstacles.
i don't only have them on my hands or what(shan't emphasize where)
if you think only there, nah.
i still have some obvious scars on me.
you won't be able to find them,
unless you strip me 0.o
i know why i did them.
because i was a coward.
i didn't dare to go through pain,
i didn't dare to face obstacles.
i was avoiding the fact that,
happy-go-lucky could one day be affected.
i was completely..
i donno, dead in the inside.
------
i know.
and i've learnt.
sometimes i want to go back to the past.
where i did all the stuffs on me.
i try my best.
i try not to start back.
i'm trying.
and i'm scared.
i'm scared of attention,
i'm scared of pain.
mentally.
i'm just like that.
i'm weak.
sometimes smiles can make me forget, hide
but they won't represent me.
they're not.
hope.faith.courage.i haven't been hugged in a while.i haven't felt the warmth i felt long ago.i haven't been complimented for a long time.i haven't been told, good work. great effort.i miss those times.primary school maybe.kindergarten maybe.i don't know?i want to go back to the past,but the present wants me to face it,and thee future wants to pull me.
expressing the emptiness inside me..
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
oh well..
MYEs is screwed.
i thought it would all go well aft getting chem..
guess i was wrong.
Freaking 4hours(leftright) crying in school,
after school still crying 0.0
it was one setback after another.
geog then LA.
i've completely lost my confidence.
i think i completely lost hope.
just now piano lessons,
i couldn't play like how i practise usually.
now i'd just think.
did my efforts pay off.
or am i just stupid.
at first after i got my geog.
i saw my marks and i was like,
wow great, i passed.
then i didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
i passed,
with sucking marks.
then i realised i would be last in class.
then i was having tears welled up in my eyes.
then wooshhh- they dropped.
it's amazing how tears can't controlled.
and stupid tallie said i looked ugly when i cry.
i was crying throughout malay.
hah, and i was praying only veron and those nearer to me,
would know i was crying.
then aft malay suddenly everyone come.
make me cry even more.
i felt like. a disappointment.
today,
i haven't been out of my room,
just for piano lessons.
i just lied on my bed.
slept at 3a.m,
woke at 6a.m
i just lay on my bed till 2p.m
then i woke up with a backache/neckache.
the world just looks so dull suddenly.
mummy said i've grown up,
since i nv cried about results before.
mummy, i just want to make u proud.always is gor get top,i nv get anything.i know u don expect anything,that's why i want to prove to u i'm something.guess i failed time and time again.i donno,
i don't feel like going school on monday.
i didn't eat lunch 2 days ler.
ate small dinners only.
no mood to do anything liao.
p.s i don't eat breakfast.
here comes mrs tan AHH.
-.-
i feel damn grateful.
YIJIN veron wanyih
jiahui weishan cheryl felicia
SIUMIN bernice
NICOLEYUNING. alvin
stupid tallie who told me i looked ugly when i cried.>.<thanks peeps.
for giving me support and everything.
for telling me that someone would be there.
for talking to me in one way or another.
for consoling, comforting and advising.
(yijinnicole)for crying with me(siumin -.-)for wasting time and smses on unmeaningful talks(nicole)for pei-ing me to busstop(alvinbernicenicolestupidtallie)still feeling helpless and siann diao.
for no reason i'm feeling real sian.
i've been hogging on my hp for the whole day.
or sleeping.
my mom kept saying i'm a vegetable cus i keep lying on bed.
fine,
maybe there's sth wrong with me.
i'm not feeling as sociable as usual.
i just feel..
sian diao lor.
monday will feel as meaningless.
siannnn. i'm like ice liao.
throw me an A1 i also donno how to react.
bye. i'm gonna sleep.
then maybe my world will go round again.then maybe the sun will shine.then maybe i'll find the ray of light.then hope.
expressing the emptiness inside me..
