i hate you for making me feel pain.
i hate you for making me disappointed,
in you and myself.
i hate you for once caring bout me.

i still need to thank you,
for once giving me hope,
for once giving me faith in myself.

maybe it's my problem,
maybe it's yours.


you'll never guess who i'm talking about.
not steven quek.
not anymore.
i've gotten over that bastard.

失去，却曾经拥有。
拥有，却会失去。
不如失去，
痛，少了一些。
-------------
---------
--------

you would keep feeling happiness,
but one day you'd lose it.
then you'll feel more depressed.

if you don't know happiness,
you won't get to lose it,
you won't have to go through pain.
you just have to be what you are,
unhappy.
---------

i keep thinking this way.
i'm feeling very stressed nowadays.

i lose my temper easily,
i lose my concentration within seconds.
i don't have the mood to do things i'm supposed to do.

what about my working hard and everything,
good results, good impressions on teachers.
i don't know.
i've just lost my faith in myself.

i don't know why.
i losing everything i once treasured.
not saying people.
just, somethings i don't know how i can describe.

the worst thing is.
i've lost my passion in running.

imagine running for nearly 5 years,
then you feel like there's no point in all these.
falling, tripping, injuries.
what do i gain in the end.
i know, friends.

but i could have made these friends in school too right?
why in running.
whats the bloody freakin' point.
--

sometimes you want a friend to be there for you,
to accompany you,
to know what you need, notsympathy, notpity, justabeingacompanian
to just, be with you.

sometime you wan to be for a friend,
they don't need you,
they don't want you.
they tell you that you don't know what they need.

this is the complicating part of friendship,
never perfect.
how do you expect someone to trust a friend.

even if you're my best friend,
let me tell you.
you're a great friend,
i don't hate or despise you.
i still have faith in you,
i just don't have the courage to trust you.
-------
i saw some bad scars,
they bring me back to bad times.
they make me think,
why life has to be filled with obstacles.

i don't only have them on my hands or what(shan't emphasize where)
if you think only there, nah.
i still have some obvious scars on me.
you won't be able to find them,
unless you strip me 0.o

i know why i did them.
because i was a coward.
i didn't dare to go through pain,
i didn't dare to face obstacles.

i was avoiding the fact that,
happy-go-lucky could one day be affected.
i was completely..
i donno, dead in the inside.
------

i know.
and i've learnt.
sometimes i want to go back to the past.
where i did all the stuffs on me.
i try my best.

i try not to start back.
i'm trying.
and i'm scared.
i'm scared of attention,
i'm scared of pain.
mentally.

i'm just like that.
i'm weak.
sometimes smiles can make me forget, hide
but they won't represent me.
they're not.

hope.
faith.
courage.


i haven't been hugged in a while.
i haven't felt the warmth i felt long ago.
i haven't been complimented for a long time.
i haven't been told, good work. great effort.

i miss those times.
primary school maybe.
kindergarten maybe.
i don't know?

i want to go back to the past,
but the present wants me to face it,
and thee future wants to pull me.