Total Eclipse of the Heart;

~~Wednesday, September 24, 2008~~

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

i wanted to post the question,
but then i decided not to.
i don't want to put my choices on their shoulders.

like, sometimes it's good to let go.
but i can't bear to let this go.
i haven't been going training for 2 weeks.
the 1st week was because i din go school, sick.
2nd week was because i din't want to go.

seriously,
if you want to know what question i wanted to ask,
i don't mind telling you.

it feels like 2 worlds apart nowadays.
it's like i don't really understand you all anymore.
and i can't even find a similar topic to talk about.
and everytime his name is heard,
i just don't know how to react.

fine whatever.
i just want to concentrate on my exams now.
do my best,
not to concentrate on him anymore.

ladiblabla.
(:

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Tuesday, September 16, 2008~~

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

S.H.E - 沿海公路的出口

用半截煙蒂燒一場蜃樓
借這場大雨讓自己逃走
荒茫公路無人的漂泊
寂寞海嘯把我捲走

倘若一次放手
像咳一個嗽
我又何苦在乎的得不到的溫柔

我坐在公路的出口
等待天黑以後無邊的寂寞
路燈一盞一盞的破

連想你都是種殘酷解脫

我目送沿海的日落
緊抱一個醉生夢死的枕頭
學會寬容懂得放手
未知的前路讓我慢慢游走

用一段感情還一個朋友
每一句再見割一道傷口
躺在萬劫不復的街頭
微笑參透覆水難收

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

i thought i would stop.
seeing my mother like that.
i've been trying extra harder.

I'm still doing it.
but i try my best to go lighter.
so the cuts won't be obvious.
i know i shouldn't do it.
but it's tired to try.

i will persevere on.
i will try my best.
for those who care.
but sometimes the window will tempt me.
suicide?
no luh. shouldn't be.

i don't have the courage.
if i do,
i'd use it to continue living bravely.
which i ain't doing now.

i am unsure of myself.
why do i feel unhappy.
i mean,
i think my problems are mostly over.

everytime i'm angry i do it.
everytime i'm unhappy i do it.
seriously,
am i really unable to express them out openly,
like how i do so all the time last time.

dang. ;x
i want to go back to last time,
happy, carefree, immature.
primary school life.

which i know everyone wants.
life is always the same thing,
repetition luh.
but wadever.
we still have to live onn.

yep,
i announce officially,
i'm emotionally confused,
which is not equals to emo-ing.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Saturday, September 13, 2008~~

Saturday, September 13, 2008

it's out.
they know liao lor.
had a 20~30mins talk.
i was CRYING throughout.
and i said i din want to talk to teacher.
but in the end i changed my mind.

i'm going show him how pissed off i am with him.
ok, my eyes are officially red.
dammit.
EEE. RELATIVES ARE HERE.
eh no.
my neighbour la.
i thought wad.
---------------------------------------------------------
my mom asked me to trick keith teo.
just say i fall.
but i'd probably cry lor.
LOL. thats why i prefer talk to serene tan =D
at least she's just 13 years older.
ms mak better.
only 6 years. XD

ok la.
i'm feeling better.
but i don't know,
i still feel abit confused.
and i swear,
the addiction's still there.
but i will try,
after seeing how sad my mom is lor.
she cried ;x

byebye.
i need to make my eyes
WHITE
again.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Friday, September 12, 2008~~

Friday, September 12, 2008

ahh.
Nicole knows liao.
cause i stupidly telll her.
accident.
everybody makes one.
me.
---------------
dang ;x
this world is changing too much.
i don't think this way cus i could shoot balls.
it's amazing how OBVIOUS.
my cuts are to people.
wtf?!

i thought my watch was hiding them.
keith teo saw them
nicole tay saw them
benson saw them.
scary luh...

din feel like going home today.
so stayed back with chang,benson and darren.
harrharr.
stupid bensdon kept giving the stupid smile.
then they started to homework.

i walked about the school,
my mind was blank.
i didn't know what to do,
what to think of,
what could happen.

i don't know,
am i taking things too lightly or heavily.
cause it's like,
i take setbacks hard,
i try too lightly to cut out of addiction.
well, what is this?

it's true that i don't know how to express myself,
other than happiness,
all i do is laugh and smile.
anger,
it's been bugging me often lately.

and it feels bad to bottle it up,
except that when i want to open,
it's stuck and i'm too weak to open.
bla, enough of these examples.

i just get angry easily,
i want to harm others,
but deep inside i don't want to.
who else to harm other than myself.

i don't want to be a burden.
a walking thorn.
poking everyone in my way.
i don't want to harm others.
because they're innocent,
i'm the one who started all these self attack or wadever.

and they shouldn't interfere.
because i would feel worst.
i feel like someone who brings harm to my friends.
-------------
t believe friendship and family made my life in order.
i owe damn lots to these two subjects.
and all i want to do is to protect them,
and not to harm them or hurt them.
then what am i?
a useless friend who only brings about trouble,
arguments, anger, pissed feelings.

waaa.
i feel like crying.
damn it lor.
this sucks man.
now i know how it feels to feel depressed.
cause i'm majorly depressed.
i think.
but i don't want to be.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Thursday, September 11, 2008~~

Thursday, September 11, 2008

ok fuck.
i tell you something.
my parents probably know i'm doing that.
they're pretending they don't.
and they're stupid.

"why u always fall down one,
like you purposely injure yourself liddat"
like, wtf la.

i'm not dumb.
i'm 13 not 10.
i'm not saying 10 years olds are dumb.
but i don't want to know.
they won't understand.

and if keith teo knows,
he'll probably send me for counselling or whatever you know.
all the dumb theraphy(sarcastic luh;x)
fuck la.
why must they interfere.
they don't know they're making it worst.

and psychologists.
they make big money by guessing.
"i know how you feel inside"
HARHAR.
you don't, unless you've experienced it.

experience doesn't come naturally.
you have to go through the process,
and understand it.
-----------
whatever.
today sucked.

Nicole is going to find out soon i slit.
Keith Teo pulled my recess back by 20mins.
He's going to talk to me on monday 2.30
Serene Tan may be there.
i'm like, dead already.

fine, they want to know so much,
let them.
i'm going to rebel if they pull me to some stupid things or what.
i didn't even know keith teo noticed my cuts.
like wtf, couldn't he inform.

ok, maybe not.
idiots will inform,
so he isn't an idiot.
HOPEFULLY,
he doesn't take away my P.E.

damn.
i'd rather serene tan knows.
but keith teo.
the one who acts pro everywhere.
like he understands everything i'm going through.
eat shit.

-----------------
end of 94th post.
-----------------

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Thursday, September 11, 2008

blaa..
i'm soooo dead soon.
my parents are gonna know soon.
if they pro enough la.
and my teacher will know.

which i don't want OBVIOUSLY.
teachers i don't mind,
but parents YES.
no way i'm going to show them anything.
=P change subject lor.

btw, my 92nd post liao leh.
PRO RIGHT?!
finally 8 more posts to 100.
=D
so pekchek.
must wait from october last year until now.
XD

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Wednesday, September 10, 2008~~

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

fuck yesterday.
had a talk with ms or.
really felt like crying lor.
but who wants to show ur true feelings infront of a teacher.
and she really put salt on my wound.

its like,
i know my results are poor enough.
and she had to go and ask me.
what shit is this..

i went home to cry,
since i knew i failed my hist.
i failed 3 subjects liao..
fuck la.
i already studied vry hard.
donno why i still failed.
maybe i was born a failure.

damn.
then wan zhen ang foonghui saw my marks.
when i was chloe they all.
then i was like.
"eehhh.... nolanola"
then change subject.
scarrry leh. they already guessing liao.

anybody can know except my classmates.
i don't know why.
maybe i don't trust them fully yet.
what ever la.

it's like,
i want to stop doing all these.
but everytime when my emotions get mixed up.
like when i get pissed off,
unhappy, or what ever.
other than happy.
i just don't know how to express my emotions.
get it?
i just do it all on myself.

sometimes,
it's just like,
it really isn't all because of him already.
i haven't get over it.
partially him.
i started off cause of him.
then it progressed further.
i think they call it 沉默.
Or whatever lor.

something like,
i started to keep everything to myself,
instead of showing it out.
and slowly i lost the ability to express my emotions.
and i expressed it all on myself.
what a bad thing to do.

now i have to start afresh.
learn how to express them again.
thats my main goal now.
i have to learn it again -.-
it may take me forever luh...

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Sunday, September 7, 2008~~

Sunday, September 07, 2008

chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
chinese sucks big time.
go fuck your momma la stupid chinese teachers.
useless bitches and bastards.
you all suck big time
honestly, i hate you chinese, and fucktard, go eat the shit stuffed into your fucking big mouth. arseholes. you all deserve to die.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Sunday, September 07, 2008

well. here's the reason why i'm doing all these.
look below D:
if you want to luh.
---
Firstly,
what happened to me was the first time.
first experience usually shock me vry hard.
or maybe, hit me hard.
especially this incident.
i mean,
being separated from who you want to be with.
heartbreaking, saddening, depressing.

confusion.
and it adds up to one word.
pain.

i mean,
really la,
none of you will ever understand how i feel.
or how doing all these helps.
i'm just explaining simply.

this sucks.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Sunday, September 07, 2008

i want to stop all these.
heh, but it seems so impossible..
and try to see my hand.
it's filled with ugly marks.
and new cuts duh.
nabei -points middle finger-

from now on,
whoever wants to see,
i don't care.
all you have to do is to carry up my hand.
pull away my watch.
and stare at my wrist.

i don't care anymore.
i just want to keep on trying,
i'll definitely give up at times.
but i'll try my best to persevere.
but if you all want to see it so much,
then see.

if you want to know why i do all these.
find out in my next post.
it's 2a.m and my mom is nagging for me to BATHE
-.- DIRTY SMELLY me.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Friday, September 5, 2008~~

Friday, September 05, 2008

but i'll continue trying.
try till the end of my life.
if i still ain't successful,
at least i die with no regrets,
die knowing i tried.

13 more posts i think,
to 100 posts.
then i may lock.
or not.
depends on my mood that day.
byebye, ciao

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Friday, September 05, 2008

i wish a car would run me over.
end all these.
damn...
isit really that hopeless,
or am i not trying hard enough.

and i've spent enough time hiding in my bloody room,
crying my heart out.
and about 15-20mins to cooldown,
so it wouldn't be obvious.
or invisible.

i don't want to talk about the cuts.
i don't want to make you feel guilty valen.
cause in the first place,
it wasn't your fault.

i think i feel bad enough,
i think i made you sink in even further.
i think i added to your troubles.
i think i'm a stupid burden on your shoulders.
and i'm grateful for what you've done for me.
but don't always feel guilty,
even if you think you've done something wrong.
just try to change it luh.
like, correcting a mistake.

i feel like closing this blog,
or locking it after i reach 100 posts.
blah,
it contains stupid dark memories.
i don't know.
i'm really confused and uber tired.
i can just faint anytime on any road.
>.<

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Friday, September 05, 2008

see, life is so unpredictable.
benedict loh was like,
a healthy active boy.
and now he's lying in the ICU ward.
fuck you god.
why do you have to make those who didn't do much harm suffer so much.

don't need to see also want to cry liao.
rabitah said he woke up,
good thing luh.
and his mom will sms her when he moves to normal ward.

i wish we could share a heart,
like how we could share a kidney -.-
but no luh,
now we have to use a life to save another.
as in, use a dead person's one.
yuck, but its to save a life.
--------------

and dang,
i'm really afraid someone in my family will find out about it.
what i'm doing now luh.
fuck, why did i even start it.
i want to stop.

shit,'
the wounds hurt when come into contact with water.
>.< damn it,
why am i complaining when i did all these to myself -.-
stupid me.

i really must stop but it's so difficult.
i almost stabbed myself ACCIDENTALLY lol.
i wanted to use it to scratch me tummeh,
but i used the wrong end to scratched,
and pressed vry hard instead -.-
stupid luh, i just woke up to do maths mah.
--

aw man,
my left hand gonna be damn ugly.
shit.
fuckass.
i take things more harder now.
and i'm more sensitive to the happenings nowadays.
well,
i'm not surprised.
all these changed me so much anyway.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Friday, September 05, 2008

it's always like this everynight.
i just want to cry myself to sleep.
and this shall be the first time since the first night i wanted to cry.
so tiring..
dang.............

save me from maths luh.
cus everytime i see a compass.
then the addiction just kicks up.
stop, lets stop talking bout it liao.
bye. nites/morning. 0.0

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Thursday, September 4, 2008~~

Thursday, September 04, 2008

i hate people with the surname "Quek" now,
i just tore a magazine talking bout a certain "Quek"
and i got scolded by my mom.
i just can't control myself anymore.
arrgghh. i must try harder.
but all these is so tiring i almost stopped,
and i must learn to treasure life,
cause not everyone lives like me.
blehx ;X
i want to become the old me,
but it'll never happen,
never.

somehow i miss my old self,
i want to go back to my past.
i'm still living in delusion.
its already 2008,
but i want 2007.
rubbish..

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Thursday, September 04, 2008

hah, i managed.
didn't do it for a day.
perhaps its because i was "busy".
rebond hair,
bmt out with chang, zeng feng, benson and darren tien.
who has the time to do IT.

but i really hope i can continue this way.
the marks on me will stay throughout my life luh,
and it'll leave with me bad memories.
darn, why did i start and can't stop.
i wanna stop,
for myself,
to not piss lesbo valen,
and for those who care for me.

and fuck,
i pulled a muscle and its aching like !@#$
fark.
and i'm not in a really good mood now.
cause the chicken rice store closed on me,
i have no proper dinner.
what other bad things can happen.

and my mom constantly nags me to start on my homework.
and she doesn't know she's making me pissed off with homework.
homeworkhomeworkhomework.
blahh.. ;x
fuck you RVHS.
its holidays kay assholes.
we're supposed to rest,
and turns out there's homework.
CCA. <--- worst thing.
i have to face his fucking old face.

i'm still feeling mentally tired,
but i really want to try,
not to give up.
i don't think anyone will understand.
how tired i'm feeling luh.
i really don't want to let anyone down,
esp; myself.
but recently i just don't feel like waking up in the morning.
wake up to face reality.

i want to stay in fantasy.
dreams come through,
wishes come through.
everything is soo happy.
i could travel through time,
to when i was a toddler,
carefree, happy, cuddled.
to when i was old.
haggard, short tempered and dying. but happy.

now i have to wait for time to pass.
and see the meaningless cycle luh.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

when we're babies,
we have to learn how to obey orders.
learn to regconise people.

when we are children,
we have to learn the basics,
which takes a long time and vry hard.
and its compulsory.

when we're teenagers,
we get restricted by our parents,
scolded by teachers,
flooded with homework, CCA, stress and pressure bla.
and we have to score good marks to appease our parents..
and they say suffer now and enjoy life ahead.
pls read on and you'll understand why i oppose this statement.

when we're 20+,
we worry whether our parents rejects our partner.
we worry if we'll ever have a proper job.
and if we have, we have job worries. -.-
..

when we're married,
we worry whether we can have babies. -.-
we worry if the marrige works out.
we have to worry about our financial status.

when we grow old,
we worry if our children are successful in life,
we worry if they'll be happy when we're gone.
we worry if they'll not want us,
sendus to old folks home.

when we die,
we still worry,
whether our children will fight over the inheritance.
whether they'll live in harmony,
whether they'll live to a ripe old age.
--------------
all these worrying. -.-
wheres the enjoyment then. tell me.
i want to know.
i want to know the point of me living.
i want to live for a purpose.

if i live to die at the same time worrying,
i shouldn't have come into this world in the first place.
is this something anyone can tell me?
blah i feel so meaningless.
so useless.

it's like,
i can't help anyone do something at all.
why is it this way..
dang,
damn it.. ;x

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Tuesday, September 2, 2008~~

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

i'm pissed at today.
today sucked.
i don't know why but i gave in to addiction again.
fuck, is this like, drugs or what.
...

fine,
see this post and maybe me and you will know.
--
training today sucked.
2rounds warm up,
12 rounds run,
2 rounds cool down.

we're not pigs yea?
why make us run like this.
are you INSULTING us secretly or what.
we can do much better than that.

fucking pissed off after training.
and my pin on my pinafore dropped off.
COINCIDENCE.
i know, too much of one,
but it happened to me.

then i started to stare,
and when i had to see my teammates training below,
i gave in to my addiction.
and its damn big red scar across my wrist.
i'm trying,
trying but i gave in.
i'm confused and tired and i don't want to continue.
tell me what to do someone..

cross it,
i couldn't stand it anymore,
and i went to the bus-stop to wait instead,
so i won't have to see team train.
through the passage where HE and they could not see me.
DUH~

and chang made such a big fuss out of it,
and shouted to the whole world -.-
i wanted to push her down the tracks that moment.
LOL. SERIOUS LA!
next time i'll improve la,
i just cut off her tongue can liao.

~~cutcutcut~~,
fuck ALL these.
don't mind my language i say again.
i'm bloody hell FUCKED UP.

to valen:
you told me not to give up.
but to try.
i'm trying but are you?
i don't want you to only think about others.
think about yourself too.
if you ain't gonna try,
i'm not.
cause i'm really tired,
no motivations, nothing.
lets do this tgt lesbo.
STEOH LOVES LESBO LOOK-A-LIKE VALEN<333333333333333333333333333333333

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Monday, September 1, 2008~~

Monday, September 01, 2008

all these isn't for him to know.
its to divert everything i'm thinking.
F.Y.I i don't want him to know anything,
i don't want to let him know he's won.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Monday, September 01, 2008

dang.
my knee is like,
leaking pus. (ewww..)

sucks la.
it's like,
i feel pain EVERYWHERE.
is this like my first time feeling this way or what.
i used to be so happy everyday,
even my friends were filled with envy.
now when i see others i envy them.

there seems to be no happiness at all.
and its so pain mentally,
i had to do it physically to divert my pain.
and i don't know why,
it feels better everytime i do it.
i'll be staring at my cuts and my attention is diverted.

seems to be that nothing is interesting in my life nowadays.
no events,
just these depressed thoughts.

and blah, i want no sympathy,
i don't deserve any.

infact u all should be angry at me for doing all these.
i'm not self-pitying myself.
i'm self-hating(?).
cus i really hate myself for doing all these,
instead of facing it.

but i really don't have the courage to talk about all these,
or even think about them luh,
they are really vry dark and scary to me.
maybe one day,
one day i'll have the courage to talk or think about them.
or i'll just stay in this plot of darkness and never come out.

i just hope i'll have the courage instead.
so i can be happier at least,
but i'll never be as happy as last time.

and, act at SAPS was successful.
wasn't all that difficult actually.
only after halfway i got a little more quiet.
yea, before i talked to ms lek.

fuck, i shan't talk bout it more.
and damn, stoning in the morning brought another cut to me.
i hate all these la.
it seems that i can't stop stoning.
i'm not really sub-conscious i think.
i somewhat know what i did.
just that i couldn't really get over the state of mind,
and stop myself. and i get physical pain,
to divert mental pain.

its really better to say all these out.
yea and srsly,
i think i'm a disappointment to all of you.
i know i suck la.
after all everyone's efforts to help me.
i fall back in?
bleh, i wish this world would hate me,
so i would feel better.

please don't tell me you care.
cause it makes me feel worst.
i don't know what i want.
and i don't want to implicate anyone in my problems.
i do things alone now.

sorry if i've let you down.

just know that you won't have to waste your time on me now.
i'll handle these by myself.
so just forget me.
and carry on with your normal and happy lives,
and treasure things around you.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Monday, September 01, 2008

Why is it so sucky today...
bleh :x,
and i'm afraid it may kick up and i'll start doing stupid things.
tryyyy....
i'm controlling, but out of this 100% addictions,
only 5% control i guess.

and my knee sucks.
the wound seemed to have opened up yest.
and i can't bend down at all.
tmr's training will suck.
in fact all trainings suck.

and fuck,
9a.m in school for bloody PSL interview.
should i even have went for it...
stupid,
i shouldn't regret blah.
just try my best lor...

fuck tmr,
fuck training at 3p.m.
i don't want to go and see HIS face.
i think i shall bring my homework tmr and do,
since its a wait from about 10a.m. to 3p.m.
5 hours ugh, ;x

and i'm feeling bloody depressed now,
i don't know why.
something happened just now that made me this way ba.
and pls not let msthio come to this blog...
valen said she can do ANYTHING.

but i'm not afraid.
i don't think she has my contact.
anyway, i ignore anonymous calls.
her prob.

blah,
3 compasses.
a penknife.
swiss knife.
addiction
= no hand left 0.o

save me someone.
anytime if this addiction kicks up,
ANYTHING may happen to my hand.
and i love my hand.
cus i'm trying to use left hand to write and draw.
T_T i'm stuck.
damn, i hate myself and i want to end this all.

expressing the emptiness inside me..