Total Eclipse of the Heart;

~~Sunday, August 31, 2008~~

Sunday, August 31, 2008

haha ok. to avoid any depressing posts,
Valen asked me to blog bout her!
well, i used green for her name cus she's in peace house.
but joy house rocks more! =D

hah, and i remember,
we used to be not as close as now last time.
so suddenly cus of my depressing case,
we seemed to become so close,
to the extent we're lesbos look-a-like.
XD i wish i paid more attention to her last time,
so she wouldn't have started doing it

i definitely ccould have stopped her,
with my personality,
last time yea,
happy-go-lucky.
i could have induced a bit of it into her,
so she not so emo.

many thanks to you
brendan ong,
you know you suck big time,
u made an innocent and naive girl fall into the hands of emo-ness.
and now she has trouble.
-points middle finger-

You're just like duck(quek)
heh, and maybe one day,
both of u will be DEAD gone.
Then i'd rejoice,
the riddance of two unworthy souls.
bleh ;x

anyway,
i want to dedicate this post to my,
LESBO LOOK-A-LIKE!<3333333333
Who is VALENCIA QUAH YAN TING!
I LOVE YOU BIG TIME.<33333333333333333

thanks for being with me everytime the addiction kicks up.
i think everytime it kicks up and i sms u,
u ask me to stop,
i've avoided doing it many times already.
and i'm damn grateful for that.

and i'm damn guilty for making u feel bad,
for not being able to help me in this way,
cus its not your fault i'm doing all these,
its my own stupid decision.

andand, u really scare me sometimes,
the marks on your arm.
lets try to stop this.
cause if you don't stop,
i won't. if you jump, i'll jump.
you're not the only one who isn't afraid to dare,
i dare to dare as well (0.o)

but i still love you for being there with me almost all the time.
=D i want to be your lesbo look-a-like forever.
=D
then we les everyday.
LOL. see i'm smiling suddenly because of you.
you make my day =D

Steoh
<333333333333333333333333333333333333333s
Valencia Quah YAN TING

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Saturday, August 30, 2008~~

Saturday, August 30, 2008

sucks.
they're swimming,
i'm slacking at home.
fuck. and new cuts.
i srsly hate myself for doing all these.

damn.
sorry valen.
but i'm trying but nothing seems to be working.
dang. ;x

i want to be honest with u Valen.
and with those that know what i'm doing.
my arms, those below my elbow,
all done by me.
why, i dun know myself.

i just feel pathetic doing all these and i wanna stop.
but i'm sunk to the extent my head is already under.
can see my hair only. cus my hair is high. LOL
damn. fake laughters all the time.
nothing to laugh about nowadays ya?

...
there i go thinking again.
they're swimming.
i'm eating seaweed crackers,
what shit is this?

i know i shouldn't do this la.
but i can't seem to stop.
it's a bigbig addiction.
i can stop it actually,
chop off my right hand?
so it can't do on my left hand.

blah.
penknives
and a newly bought swiss knife.

i suck.
big time.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Saturday, August 30, 2008

fuck.
we're being left out like shit.
he didn't even inform us about the holiday tuesday training time.
fuck all these;

this is like the first time i'm having mood swings,
as in, when i come THAT ONE.
damn. i was just being pissed off at everyone at home.

and fine, if u want to know what i'm doing
i'm slitting. satisfied?
now you know how pathetic i am.
fine wadever.

i keep trying to stop but it seems to be useless.
you can see the marks,
and it's fucking scary.
sometimes i just feel like ending all these.
but i can't, and i shouldn't

ending all these means losing,
giving in to HIM,
and at the same time making those around me sad.
fuck.
Doing this and that are all wrong.
fuck?!

forgive me for being so vulgar.
i'm really pissed off like shiet now.
damn.
what can i do?
continue doing it?
yea, when i keep saying i try to stop. -.-"

i think i suck big time.
damn

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Friday, August 29, 2008~~

Friday, August 29, 2008

Hmm, i feel bad for lying to Valen that those weren't my cuts.
but turned out i was just trick her actually.
its red leh. then i told everyone it's because of the drain.
even sheena la. cus it was before the drain prob when i did it.
shit, i hate myself for doing all these and i want to stop.

and fuck, ms loh was trying to see it,
and she tried to pretend,
by asking to talk to me to ask me if i want to go for a drink.
then can see that she was trying to see my arm.
ya. talk about trust...

then bowling,
miracle la, i struck almost every turn.
=D i improved.
i feel like a gifted bowler. =D
i rock =D

went to macs with bella, valen, shannnon, kai ngee and joel.
then Valen kept telling me i had to do something,
then i pissed her off by keep saying nothing.
sorry Valen, i love you la...
then shortly after bella joel and kai ngee went off.
then me valen and shannon went to playground<3
valencia quah yan ting.
Steoh here <33333333333s

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Wednesday, August 27, 2008~~

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

scream.
i'm not included in the relay.
fuck.
how could he.
i'm still part of cross-country.
he doesn't has the right to do this.
scram out of our lives stupid duck.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

great. i thought it would be a fine day today.
turned up otherwise.
and to think i kept promising to stop.
and turned up PDP i had my compass.

then went home super pissed off,
why? for NOTHING.
i was AP-ing my piano teacher.
sian...

tmr's gonna be badd.
Computer,
boring la. FLASH sucks big time.
and then there's relay,
cross ain't running, they're part of organising?
and i'm gonna be left out.
play badminton with huey chyi.
ahh, who feels like it when your teammates are having fun without you?

fuck.

Valen said ms loh is going to talk to me on Friday.
damn, why so kaypoh.
always talk to me about something the moment i see her.
fine talk then talk. i won't tell her a single thing.
wonder if i can take it like nothing happened.
her talks are boliao 1.
"i know i'm a kind and understanding teacher -.-" "

talk to her also can vomit blood.
i can win anybody at talking but her -.-

blah, no mood to do anything at all,
and i thought tests over would cheer me up,
but hearing the results of the other class,
i think i've lost hope.

i think i want to cry it all out.
at least i can let everything out,
since no one's at home again,
and the best way to distract myself.
>.<

where's justice in this world anyway.
when i was young i wanted to be a lawyer?
a policewoman. -.- stupid ideas.
i wanted to uphold justice?
then when i saw everything in this society,
i started to turn to the side where i thought,
everything has no justice.
School, homework, CCA, holidays, society, law.

Then I realised what a failure this society is,
talking big all the time about laws and everything.
but nothing is done.
even a cold-blooded murderer could be let off.
see how this world can be such a letdown,
even at times when you're down,
you see the world as a letdown.
failing in all ways as INTERNATIONALLY.

cheemology.
what am i even saying.
i contribute to this society,
so we're all making it fail?
bleh :x

they said staff of police force have no future,
their pay can be low,
their lives are at risk,
all just to uphold justice.
i wanted to be like that D=
then when i saw what was happening in this world,
i completely lost interest in what i dreamt of.

world peace.
yea right,
it'll take forever to achieve that.
it never happens,
and to think we IDIOTS thought world peace should be our dream.
harhar, -.-"

everytime u see CNY resolutions,
all of them say,
WORLD PEACE. (then they smile =D)
personally i thought they were being dumb,
why wish for an unwishable idea.
-.-"
see how useless this world has become.
all thoughts and no actions.
yea yea,
i'm what i say,
all thoughts no actions.

i promised time over time,
i'd stop what i was doing.
turned up i sunk deeper instead.
and when others tell me to stop,
they tell me they care or what,
i feel like a letdown.
i neglected their expectations of me?
i'm a big disappointment,
even if u don't feel that way i do.

世界变成什么样子，
你我最清楚.
已经失去了希望.
梦想也都毁了.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Monday, August 25, 2008~~

Monday, August 25, 2008

i need to CONTROLLLL.
it keeps happening.
i'm shivering,
not cold,
fear.

someone PULL ME OUT.
i'm sinking now.
and i'm sinking even faster.
help me.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Monday, August 25, 2008

i feel like a failure.
a big one as well.
failing my geography.
i thought it wouldn't affect me.
guess i take things too hard nowadays.

a small setback could even tear me apart.
its like tearing a small piece of paper,
just that the small piece of paper is me.

to tracy:
thanks for spending so much time writing that letter.
i really appreciate it.
i realise i haven't been treasuring much of the people around me,
not even now, last time as well.
thats why i left SAPS with so much regrets.
i haven't been really happy since.
you spotted a change i didn't even notice in myself.
i promise i'll start to love myself more.
over a time span though,
its impossible to change straight away.
but i believe with the help of team<3
不公平. 一点也不公平
为什么是我？
生命深深地被刺了几刀.
需爱与希望.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Friday, August 22, 2008~~

Friday, August 22, 2008

valen CALLED ms loh to tell her.
and most probably ms loh will talk to me,
waaaa, diao...
sometimes i feel valen is my senior instead.

but one of ms loh's reply was touching yea.
"you don't want to chat with me?
you'll always be my student steph.
i still care abt you."

wahh. i almost cried upon looking at these.
and valen said her response to her telling msloh what i did was,
"what? you mean stephanie from last year?"
LOL.

anyway. i feel like crying now

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Friday, August 22, 2008

today was a bad day.
badbadbadbadbadbadbadbad.
day.

i was passed a paper clip,
which metal was revealed.
sharp eh.
then i started thinking about the race after school.
which i was supposed to go,
not run, but at least go and cheer on them.

then i sunk into mild depression.
stoned.
this time i stoned like hell out of my chinese and science.
then followed by some obvious stuffs did by yours truely.

i have...
one, two, three of it now.
and stupid joanne had to go tell chang.
who successfully saw it through violent means,
and help from jasmine and LIEWjieying(i like your surname)
so damn gan ga. then i was soooo scared i would start stoning.
so i tried to sleep during lang. arts.

and i tellyou, i damn suei 1 lor.
i was sleeping, then mr chua was walking around the school,
he walked by my classroom and saw me sleeping.
then he stood outside and STARED at me.
then the whole class damn QUIET.
so i woke up lor, cus it was unusually quiet.
then i saw everyone looking out the window and i felt damn weird,
so i moved my eyeballs to my right, and caught a glimpse of chua,
so i pretended not to see him,
and turned my head to the left and smiled at my classmates.
until he walked away then i fucking stoned.

blA. so depressing.
carrots are running,
i'm slacking.
when will all these end.
he doesn't know it's so hard for me now.
watching your team run,
and you can't join in with them.
bleh, the worst thing is getting withdrawed from races.

it's getting worst this addiction.
i din use sharpsharp objects,
just now i used a penknife.
see the difference.
i should keep this down,
hopefully not everyone visits this blog,
and asks me alot about this incident.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Thursday, August 21, 2008~~

Thursday, August 21, 2008

crying helps big time

today was a typical stupid day.
at least i got to meet valen, shannon and kai ngee=D
i miss them.
then they started to "Fight" with me.
and i told them i definitely stronger.
but they won,
but underhand means.
TICKLING i'm scared of.

then i went home and i was alone.
thought of team swimming,
and then all the pissed off feelings came.
>.<
so i sat, leaned against my cupboard,
suddenly started crying like shit.
i cried for 15mins or so then i stopped.
felt so much better.
but i feel more down.

i miss the team,
the times we had together.
now we only can be together on tuesdays.
every thursday i think of them meeting up to swim,
i avoid the canteen.

THEN. something badbad happened.
stoning is officially bad for me.
so i was half blind after crying,
went to take my pencil case to do homework.
then i stoned(rocked) ._.
badbad. try guessing what happened next T_T
painpain.

stupid.
stuppeeeeddd.
sttuuuuuupppiiiiiiiig.
i need to control.
if not it'll turn out like what valen said lor.
worst. and it hurts.
diverts attention but stupid.
torturing myself because of him..

yaya, blabla.
blind words and no action.
typical me.
and shannon was right.
she noticed the change.

quieter,
not so active.
this is what happened when HE came to change everything.
and i'd say i prefer my old self.
happy-go-lucky.
cheeky, mischievous.
at least i was happy.
maybe lets see if the teachers in SAPS can notice my change.
i'll try my best to hide it.

then today, school dismissed.
i went up to 2nd floor after getting pissed for no reason.
i was practically standing outside classroom after every lesson,
leaning my head on the pillar and dunno doing what.
then my heart felt heavy for no reason.

bleh. they're having race tmr.
i was supposed to be in it,
not running but at least in it.
then he changed everything yea.
jiayou carrots.

bla. thank my blog for letting me say all these out.
at least it doesn't have comments or whatever.
>.< where did all my happy posts go to.
i didn't think it would happen to me,
so it hit me harder.
and to think i thought i had 心理准备.
guess not la. what hit me the most,
was these 4 words from HIM.
"it's all your fault"
then the verdict.

then they could talk about race,
swimming everything in the morning.
and i would just pretend i din't hear anything.
*sigh*
wonder how long more can i take this.

it lasted longer than expected.
it may never be over.
thats what i don't hope for though.
i hope it would be over soon.
addiction;

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Wednesday, August 20, 2008~~

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

it broke my heart straight on.
looking at my team having fun while i have to do something else.
the year 1s overall.

they could laugh together,
train together,
motivate each other.
team with each other.
and i was to be left out.

what shit is this.
somehow i can't seem to.
like,
look at it on the bright side.
i have to lose out on the team.
and my stamina suck now.
13:10mins. 2.4km
what shit is this.

and HE said he wanted us to improve.
training once a week?
YA RIGHT.
then if we don't improve,
he'd probably find fault with us.

now theres a song that can describe all this.
左右为难
and the idiom
进退两难
how much we try to do good,
he finds fault. and i can guess.

if i go for make up runs on my own and i improve suddenly,
he asks why,
i say i go for make up runs on my own.
he'd probably say,
i told you not to waste time.
i want you to STUDY!

THEN,
if i don't go for make-up runs,
and i don't improve,
he'll probably say,
you should have gone for make up runs,
even though i restricted you to one day only.
this shows how uninterested you are towards running.
bleh. :x

and everytime my mom talks about quek,
like whether he'll allow me back,
then i have to change the subject.
cus it demoralises me.
and i promised not to think too much bout it.

and today.
WORST.
tan kim chuan took my class.
he seemed to keep looking at me.
naw la naw la,
STARING more appropriate to describe.

then i was giving him the,
"fuck your momma to death" look.
wad a momma.
REMEMBER.
if you're gonna come to RV.
don't join cross-country.
i don't want you to suffer.

and i tried to spot valen's cuts.
turn out she spotted mine instead BLA.
and probably from past experiences of hers.
she know what i used.

shan't talk about all these.
addiction.
i don't like it.
just some kind of addiction?
just minor though.

ciao darlings who love me

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Monday, August 18, 2008~~

Monday, August 18, 2008

Heck i'm not scolding you or whatever seokyin.
but you won't understand how i feel.
i'm not trying to gain sympathy.
i can lock this blog and start a new one.
but until it reaches 100 posts i won't. -.-
which i think will take forever

i can write in a journal I KNOW. but someone's bound to find it.
especially since my mom doesn't know i WORSHIP privacy,
and i hate writing.

if you think i'm doing it purposely,
i'm not.
at first yes, i was dumb to think it would help.
then it got worst.

actually what you said made sense.
but i take such things harder than you think i would.
my passion is running.
thats why everything he said has a harder blow on me.
pandian knows when to be serious.
quek scolds or lectures me even not during training.

thanks for telling me what i've been doing.
but i need more time to think.
i'm trying my best to stop.
you won't understand if you haven't been through it..

i don't need sympathy,
i never needed it.
i haven't given up,
i never will.
this is just a setback in lives.

it happens in everybody's life.
just that i took it harder than expected.
i thought i was ready for him.
i wish someone would just scold me infront.
i think that someone would be you.

i'm stopping,
i'm trying to control.
thanks to the team who encouraged me.
but now it's really up to me to overcome this.
so if you think i'm stupid or what,
don't tag me.
just ignore. cause it'll take some time.

bleh, i wish all these was just a dream.
wake up,
and poof its gone.

i wish i was just a cute lil' pri 1.
so carefree.
1+1=?
1 2

and the teachers are making it harder for me.
i WILL lock this blog someday.
i want my own world.
where i don't need to write.

and here's a smile for you. =D
don't push me too hard for now. =D
byes =D

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Monday, August 18, 2008

actually i know it myself,
that not going on thursdays and saturdays,
blessings in diguise.
but i don't really know whats bothering me.
my wrist got cut during exams la.
then it bled. just a little.
dunce.

everytime the crossers talk about races or trainings,
i feel out yea?
i don't know what to say.
i wasn't given the chance to participate.
blehx ;x

not to mention tmr.
he's gonna dao me meihui kelly and hui chyi.
damn bloody shit ass.
feeling uber pissed off.

Thanks for chatting Valen.
i think we're under the same kind of pressure.
so we kind of understand the feeling.
i don't know what happened to you,
since you won't tell me,
i won't force you as well.
since i din't tell you too.

i was supposed to be strong yea?
a fighter.
i once was,
now i crumbled under him.
i don''t want to let him know my feelings.
fuck that old man.
wait, no one wants to fuck an old bloody old man.

took penknife out to play.
i took it to cut my paper.
then i STONED.
but i din't do it
cus she wanted it back *phew*

but i had this strong urge to do it.
but i couldn't control during exams,
so i kept using my nails.
since there was so much time left. =X
i couldn't sleep so i stoned.
i wouldn't want to classify as emo.
cus i don't want to be emo kia JOANNE CHEW.

stoning is officially bad for ME now.
i'm uber scared i got scar leh.
it won't be nice with scars on my arms.

if ms loh hears of this,
she'll be disappointed in me i bet.
i mean,
after all she said to me last time.
i don't want to disappoint anyone.

then my mom kept asking me why i
心事重重.
then i was like:
NO LA NO LA.
then i changed the subject to table tennis.

and i'm vry touched by valen.
other than the fact she called me ELDERLY,
instead of OLDER.
she said if the both of us were stuck in quicksand,
sinking quick,
she'll push me out.

Then i said i can't let her do that.
I'm the SENIOR mah.
i must protect junior.
then she say young must help ELDERLY.
but she's not much younger than me though. =P

WHAHAHA.
I'M JUST OLDER THAN HER BY 1 MONTH! =D
I'M NOT OLD! =D
MINUS 23RD DECEMBER WITH 14 FEBUARY FOR ME PLS!
=D

i'm dreading tmr.
where i have to slack.
then i probably will do some sha shi.
then i'll bleed even more.
don't scare myself la.

Ciao...

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Sunday, August 17, 2008~~

Sunday, August 17, 2008

bleh. the cuts are obvious now.
the ones i used the scissors with.
good thing i stopped in time.
or maybe say.
good thing my parents came home on time.

i want to stop all these.
the cuts hurt, pain.
but it helps to divert my attention.
i know i sound pathetic.
after all the tries from JOANNE
to put some confidence in me.
i still felt lost though.

i'm scared.
i don't know of what though.
i don't even understand what i'm thinking.
its a new cut.
above the wrists.
and thats where its more obvious.
now my watch can't block it.
dang.:x

help me.
i wish someone really understand how i feel.
but no one can.
it's really up to myself, alone again.
with some encouragement from the team.
i don't want tuesdays thursdays and saturdays.
everyone's putting effort while i'm forced to slack.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Sunday, August 17, 2008

i'm lost
i haven't give up.
i just dunno what to do.
its my first time all these happened.

I know the team's there joanne.
but its a feeling not everyone will be able to understand.
all these is weird.
suddenly i'm blogging so much.
i feel like a disappointment.
:x i thought smiling or laughing would help.
faking doesn't. it turned up useless.

i thought playing the piano whole day would help.
no, it didn't. i felt worst.
the worst feeling is to know that your team is sweating out there.
while you have to slack unwillingly.
maybe i'll breakdown on that day.

the swellings down.
just now my parents and bro went out.
then i ate my lunch,
took scissors to open it.
then i started stoning and guess what happened.
i somehow SANK into subconscious mood.
lucky my skin was tough enough.
if not i'd probably cut myself to death ler.

its an addiction.
i thought i should checkit on the internet.
guess its useless.
its actually up to me to overcome it.
only me alone.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Sunday, August 17, 2008

tdy's crossing day.
and i have to be at home while the rest run.
how demoralising.

i'm afraid to run now.
everytime i see the real run shirt on somebody,
i'll freak out and walk another direction.
i can't stand it,
it just reminds me of bad things.

my parents think i'm happy,
cause i don't need to go for trainings,
especially on saturdays.
wishful thinking on their part.
since i told them that way.

i know i shouldn't write this way.
since everyone who cares is gonna be disappointed.
then tell me where else should i say all these.
or who else i should say to.
i'm making the team unhappy i know.
sorry, i didn't want all these to happen.

just concentrate on running,
don't care about me lah,
i know what i'm doing.
i'll probably get over it soon enough.

bleh. its weird i keep saying all these,
and somehow i try and it doesn't work.
don't think i'm not trying.
it was done sub consciously.
so i don't know what happened,
only feel it happen.

i got this fear of upcoming tuesday.
i'm gonna have to run for nothing,
and then go home early.
and i have to buy compass for test.

and here i am doing all these with it.

its not that i don't want to say it to anyone,
i don't have this courage.
i never was the stephanie i once was sey.
not since being through training with him for 2 months,
i had to change according to his will.
everytime he says something,
it affects my life a whole lot more than i think it would.
just because i was dumb.
dumb enough to follow what he said.

maybe i really belong in track.
maybe, but the team is like a stranger.
nothing beats having the team with you when you're down.
pandian is nice, track team is nice.
but somehow it'll never be as nice as cross-country's team.

just conclusion.
no one will ever know what i'm going through.
maybe this is part and parcel of life.
where everything falls and no one seems to be there.

i'm trying to get over with these blog posts,
but everytime i think of a topic,
this comes into my mind.
no where else to say it,
no one else to hear it.
this is the best place.

definitely soon i'll be gone,
if i don't stop.
it hurts, it really does.
but what can i do? nothing at all.
nothing good really comes my way.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Saturday, August 16, 2008~~

Saturday, August 16, 2008

seychee sent me an email.
she wants to comfort me,
but she says she's bad at these.
i think u did well.
i did feel better,
at least someone knows whats happening.

Actually, posting on my blog all these,
wasn't really a great idea.
i don't want anyone to know,
posting here is actually a way to let out all my troubles,
i don't want to make it personal.
it'll be boring.

So if you think what i blogged is worth concerning,
sui bian, just don't tell anyone.
not anyone, best only a few knows.
don't worry or what.

i'm trying my best already.
but its not that i don't want to,
i'm not purposely doing it or what.
Its like, i sink into subconscious mood everytime.
then i can't control anything,
cause it's like,
i don't even know that something's happening.

at first i tried,
i knew i did it.
i thought it would help,
but it became worst.
it feels like, an addiction now.
i can't stop, i try, but i can't.
someone pull me out,
i'm sinking further.

i can swim,
but this ain't water,
its quicksand.
i'm sinking quick,
and if no one pulls me out,
i'll be dead in no time.

but i still want to tell valen,
don't do it, i know its tempting.
but knives are dangerous.
its a weapon,
as well as a cutlery.

don't do it anymore.
i know i'm becoming like you,
but i am trying to control.
i tell myself i can.
we're on the same boat.
if you sinkk, i sink as well.

i understand why you do this.
but i don't know why.
i'll never know why,
or understand why even.
but lets be there for each other.

it's pain, it isn't easy.
if i get distracted i won't do it.
no distractions now.
i do it for the remaining time of tests.

i may laugh,
its most probably cause i don't want anyone to know.
to know my emotions.
its confusing, scary.
its getting more pain now.

i want to stop,
although theres no wound,
but it hurts.
the constant times i do it,
its red. i don't want scars.
i want to stop. but i can't do anything.
but try.

i'm really confused.
this post makes it feel like,
i'm lying to myself.
i tell myself i'm trying,
maybe i'm not?

i haven't been like this before.
this isn't reflection,
its self-abuse.
i'm mentally weak now.
i don't want to go school.
i'm afraid the teachers know of it.
i don't want counselling.
its scary. but i'm afraid i'm forced.

if its so, i shan't go school.
why did he have to come and make my life so messed up.
is it necessary for him to do this to me.
he's destroying me.
i was never the stephanie everyone knew.
not since the 2nd or 3rd month.
since he changed me upside down.

so what if i'm more disciplined,
i want to be myself,
not to please anyone, not him definitely.
i wish all these never started.
i wish i could be in primary school.

active, playful, mischievous.
that was the way we all were.
immature, so?
we liked it, we loved ourselves and each other.

now we have to grow up,
mature.
emotions, actions, discipline.
blah.
we've changed into what they call us.
teenagers. and i don't like it.
i don't like this life.

time can't stop and i know it.
but i don't want this to continue.
i really don't know what to do now.
everytime i'm alone at home,
i can't help myself.
i either cry or start doing silly things.

i'm scared.
it never felt this way before.
and i had to cry alone.

it had to happen.
i've been crying when no one's at home with me.
i don't want anyone to know what happened.
and it had to end this way.
i feel alone with no one with me now.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Friday, August 15, 2008~~

Friday, August 15, 2008

Caught by jessica chak todae.
she advised counselling,
but i said i was fine. :)

Its red, swelling,
but it'll go down in no time.
always like that one.
but i think its staying red for real.
T_T

i thought i wouldn't do it anymore,
but i unknowingly did so.
siannnnnn..

bla, my compass got confiscated after chak found out.
T_T
maths coming soon.
diaooo.
gotta go buy new one.

sian, primary school is the best.
the class was bonded.
the teacher was understanding,
the friends were caring,
life was carefree.

now the class suck.
they're ungrateful chaps.
PSL bdae coming.
4days.

asked them to buy present but they don't want.
fine then i buy lor
see first.
i'm too bored to even go out.

everyone mugging.
not a single soul talks to me now.
and there's 6 more days.
blehx.

sian la.
kelly's strong.
after what quek said,
she still went about comforting US instead.
i thought i was stronger.
but turned out i was weaker than i thought.

fake smiles for class photo.
>.<

i thought i was strong,
really strong.
guess i was wrong.
i'm all weak in the end..

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Wednesday, August 13, 2008~~

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

i'm feeling srsly down now.
i can't help thinking about tmr.
they'll all be waiting for each other to go trng,
while i'll walk by and just say bye.

Shit, i kept thinking of it during school la.
why did we have him in the first place.
sian.

Everyone's pissed off at something.
i've been doing the same thing in class luh.
and my classmates kept looking.

fuck them,
they and their kaypohness.
feighning concerns.
whatever.

"woah, what you doing"
then they just keep quiet and ask me pay attention
wtf, why was i in this class,
why not 1c.

sian. i'm damn uber depressed now.
why did my mom did it with my dad
and conceived me.
can't they wait a year more then do it.
then it most probably won't be me.

sian.. i don't mind missing sat's training.
but i want thurs,
he's making us run for no reason.
no purpose, whats the prob now.

I won't pia during training,
since no one appreciates.
i don't really like running now.
whats the point.
i run for carrots.
not for RVHS, not for quek,
not for anyone.

and he has to be so unreasonable.
i know i'm at wrong too.
but he ASSUMES i run for fun.
hellllooo.
what an asshole.

Now i know how kelly feels everytime.
everytime i feel like crying.
this never happened before.
i'm not going to cry before him.
i'm making sure he's the first to cry before the carrots.
rawr.

depressed. once in a blue moon.
i wish there was someone i could confide in,
someone to cry to.

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Tuesday, August 12, 2008~~

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

It's great to know that whenever you're down.
the team is with you through it all.

Fucking pissed off AND depressed now.

not sure what my motive for running is now.
i'm thinking of it all the time now.
thanks carrots,
for cheering me up.
Although it could only last a few hours...

They said pain could divert your attention.
I've been using the tablet pen to *ehem* my wrist now.
don't worry, no harm done.
just redness and some pain la.
At least i don't think of it too much.

I think my parents know what i'm *eheming* now.
They've been trying to take all sharp objects away.
especially my favourite scizzors.
And i was like,"
Hey my scizzors. return la."

LOL. my wrist is red la.
but no cuts, i don't want scars.
I'M DEPRESSED. i feel like crying.
all thanks to him. the freaking bastard.
he had to come into my life,
just at this time of it,
where i was having a real team.

He barges in and steps inbetween us.
and he starts being a hypocrite,
saying we're supposed to be a team.
and its good that we're really bonded,
but we tend to go too far?!
HEY, we're allowed to go out as a team.

i feel like crying luh..
i wanted to transfer to track,
but i want to stay with my team.
The only place i think is comfortable.
more than my classs.

Damn. i wish ms loh was with me.
then she could "counsel" me.
cheer me up?
suan me, whatever. it makes me happier.
but i love the carrots team.

I'm damn touched luh,
seeing how they were so concerned when i felt depressed,
they can be playful luh,
but when it's serious,
you can depend on them to be with you.

Special Thanks,
JoanneC,
Seychee,
Kelly,
Huey Chyi,
Meihui,

nana and lyddie laogongs.

i love you all.
owe u all a hug.
T_T.
too bad we have to train separate.
don't exclude us too much though.
i won't be happy. >.<

2 hands up = motherfucker,
thats what he is.
even with one hand up only,
he's either a mother(gay)
or a fucker. get lost and die as early as u can.

Labels: f

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Monday, August 11, 2008~~

Monday, August 11, 2008

Thanks to HIM,
seychee is demoraliised.

Seychee,
you ain't a shibai leader.
you're the best leader i've seen.
really the best.

And you said u couldn't do a thing,
with what we were talking bout.
You got it wrong.
When we do things, we do it TOGETHER.

A leader has the support of his/her team.
you definitely have ours.
that makes u a qualified leader of RVXC.

All it takes is all you've got.
you've got our support,
you've got potential.
You're our leader,
lead us to whatever you think is right.
we'll be behind you whereever u go.

Carrots dedi tmr. >.<

expressing the emptiness inside me..

~~Sunday, August 10, 2008~~

Sunday, August 10, 2008

its damn funny how the memories struck back suddenly.
Last LAST(?) friday, passed by my old church,
the one me and ruthy were in last time.
Acts baptist yep.
then suddenly my head vry dizzy,
then i thought i saw ruth with her short hair.

then i saw a scene where we were using marbles for an activity,
which i can't remember what it was about.
then the teacher said a verse,
the very common one.
but i only remember her saying the first part.
"For god so loved the world"(?)
then some words behind became too soft for me to hear.
and then, i remembered another girl.
older than me by 1,
obviously i know who liao,
Yi Xuan helped to confirm la.
that dumbo,
go and ask the girl.

Heh, at first she said no,
cus i gave the wrong name of her mom.
it was supposed to be Jeanette.
but i said jeniffer. -.-
wadever.

then she said she know this church,
oh wadever,
not like we will ever remember each other again anyway.
forget it.

He spoiled my mood.
i want a transfer.
:@
I don't wanted to let it happen again.
like it happened last time.

Mood: Confused, not a single happiness
Music: Untitled - Simple Plan

expressing the emptiness inside me..

Sunday, August 10, 2008

ahh. so long never blog.
in the end log into blogger
they say my cookies got problem.
>.<
-------
Firstly, i want to say.
I've given up,
for the first time in all my life
relating to such subject.
I really have given up..

All thanks to him.
his miserable limits,
i've wasted 6 months of my life.
And he just stands there and say,
i've wasted his.

He's broken so many people's feelings.
those that wanted to do well so badly.
He just says a few words and *poof*
he makes every cry.

He thinks he's GOD.
expecting the fire coming naturally out of our mouths.
WOW.
our legs aren't ferrari.
they aren't lamborgini as well.
GIVE US A BREAK.
what do you mean by training on 9/08/08.

Every word you say means a lot to us.
and you say you are straightforward.
so ur not a hypocrite.
whatever. saying yourself like you are, JESUS.
free of sins eh? then die for us la.
don't renew your contract.
we'll be terribly excited and happy.

We're happier, off without you
When the seniors talked about how training was last time.
WITHOUT YOU,
you can feel how heartbroken and demoralised they are.
I know cross-country is not only a CCA,
its an achievement,
not everyone can make it.

But everyone has their own limits.
we could have been happy,
until you came strudding your feathers in.
and to think i MIGHT have to tahan you 3 more years.
no, infact, 3 and a half.

You ASSUMED that i was there for fun.
then tell me,
who would run 10km just to have fun.
you said u understood that,
no one would like being lectured.
But do you know,
or WOULD you expect,
that everytime you say that,
you are making a fool out of yourself.

Do you know how much you made a person change?
his/her thinking.
from + to -
and you pose with that heartless face of yours.
i think i can describe u with only one chinese idiom.
猪狗不如.

and if you want to know who this
HE / YOU is.
he obviously is
Steven Quek,
the world's worst coach ever.

expressing the emptiness inside me..