seychee sent me an email.
she wants to comfort me,
but she says she's bad at these.
i think u did well.
i did feel better,
at least someone knows whats happening.

Actually, posting on my blog all these,
wasn't really a great idea.
i don't want anyone to know,
posting here is actually a way to let out all my troubles,
i don't want to make it personal.
it'll be boring.

So if you think what i blogged is worth concerning,
sui bian, just don't tell anyone.
not anyone, best only a few knows.
don't worry or what.

i'm trying my best already.
but its not that i don't want to,
i'm not purposely doing it or what.
Its like, i sink into subconscious mood everytime.
then i can't control anything,
cause it's like,
i don't even know that something's happening.

at first i tried,
i knew i did it.
i thought it would help,
but it became worst.
it feels like, an addiction now.
i can't stop, i try, but i can't.
someone pull me out,
i'm sinking further.

i can swim,
but this ain't water,
its quicksand.
i'm sinking quick,
and if no one pulls me out,
i'll be dead in no time.

but i still want to tell valen,
don't do it, i know its tempting.
but knives are dangerous.
its a weapon,
as well as a cutlery.

don't do it anymore.
i know i'm becoming like you,
but i am trying to control.
i tell myself i can.
we're on the same boat.
if you sinkk, i sink as well.

i understand why you do this.
but i don't know why.
i'll never know why,
or understand why even.
but lets be there for each other.

it's pain, it isn't easy.
if i get distracted i won't do it.
no distractions now.
i do it for the remaining time of tests.

i may laugh,
its most probably cause i don't want anyone to know.
to know my emotions.
its confusing, scary.
its getting more pain now.

i want to stop,
although theres no wound,
but it hurts.
the constant times i do it,
its red. i don't want scars.
i want to stop. but i can't do anything.
but try.

i'm really confused.
this post makes it feel like,
i'm lying to myself.
i tell myself i'm trying,
maybe i'm not?

i haven't been like this before.
this isn't reflection,
its self-abuse.
i'm mentally weak now.
i don't want to go school.
i'm afraid the teachers know of it.
i don't want counselling.
its scary. but i'm afraid i'm forced.

if its so, i shan't go school.
why did he have to come and make my life so messed up.
is it necessary for him to do this to me.
he's destroying me.
i was never the stephanie everyone knew.
not since the 2nd or 3rd month.
since he changed me upside down.

so what if i'm more disciplined,
i want to be myself,
not to please anyone, not him definitely.
i wish all these never started.
i wish i could be in primary school.

active, playful, mischievous.
that was the way we all were.
immature, so?
we liked it, we loved ourselves and each other.

now we have to grow up,
mature.
emotions, actions, discipline.
blah.
we've changed into what they call us.
teenagers. and i don't like it.
i don't like this life.

time can't stop and i know it.
but i don't want this to continue.
i really don't know what to do now.
everytime i'm alone at home,
i can't help myself.
i either cry or start doing silly things.

i'm scared.
it never felt this way before.
and i had to cry alone.

it had to happen.
i've been crying when no one's at home with me.
i don't want anyone to know what happened.
and it had to end this way.
i feel alone with no one with me now.