dang.
my knee is like,
leaking pus. (ewww..)

sucks la.
it's like,
i feel pain EVERYWHERE.
is this like my first time feeling this way or what.
i used to be so happy everyday,
even my friends were filled with envy.
now when i see others i envy them.


there seems to be no happiness at all.
and its so pain mentally,
i had to do it physically to divert my pain.
and i don't know why,
it feels better everytime i do it.
i'll be staring at my cuts and my attention is diverted.


seems to be that nothing is interesting in my life nowadays.
no events,
just these depressed thoughts.

and blah, i want no sympathy,
i don't deserve any.

infact u all should be angry at me for doing all these.
i'm not self-pitying myself.
i'm self-hating(?).
cus i really hate myself for doing all these,
instead of facing it.

but i really don't have the courage to talk about all these,
or even think about them luh,
they are really vry dark and scary to me.
maybe one day,
one day i'll have the courage to talk or think about them.
or i'll just stay in this plot of darkness and never come out.

i just hope i'll have the courage instead.
so i can be happier at least,
but i'll never be as happy as last time.

and, act at SAPS was successful.
wasn't all that difficult actually.
only after halfway i got a little more quiet.
yea, before i talked to ms lek.

fuck, i shan't talk bout it more.
and damn, stoning in the morning brought another cut to me.
i hate all these la.
it seems that i can't stop stoning.
i'm not really sub-conscious i think.
i somewhat know what i did.
just that i couldn't really get over the state of mind,
and stop myself. and i get physical pain,
to divert mental pain.

its really better to say all these out.
yea and srsly,
i think i'm a disappointment to all of you.
i know i suck la.
after all everyone's efforts to help me.
i fall back in?
bleh, i wish this world would hate me,
so i would feel better.

please don't tell me you care.
cause it makes me feel worst.
i don't know what i want.
and i don't want to implicate anyone in my problems.
i do things alone now.

just know that you won't have to waste your time on me now.
i'll handle these by myself.
so just forget me.
and carry on with your normal and happy lives,
and treasure things around you.